Looking through a broken window... - Bryan

So I'm sorry it's been a while y'all, but I really haven't felt up to writing in a blog about faith seeing as mine has been in a bit of a crisis. Let me rephrase that; my faith is not in crisis. More so, I find myself in such a crisis, and thus my connection with my faith. Throughout my whole life I have held strong to my faith at all times, but as I have changed throughout the years, so to must my connection with God. You see, one of the longer standing pillars of faith is that I never ask God for anything. This is not because I don't believe God can provide, nor is it due some childish argument I may have with him. It in all truth is because, throughout my life, I have always seen so many others who were much worse off than me. Now, I can already hear some say, "God has enough to give all those who ask for such", but I already know this; this is not the matter. No, it is simply that I feel like an asshole praying for help to take care of whatever ailment may be troubling my life at the time when there are those who lay in the streets unable to stand because they are starving or beaten & left for dead. What can I say, I feel a little self centered after that. I have always been the one to give of myself, the first to offer my hand when others are in need. In fact the only time I ever ask anything of anyone is when the person in question is a really close friend, and even then it must be a very great need on my part to ask them. So as you see my relationship with God was always a matter of choice. I never needed him/her (on with this thing again), I chose to have faith because it always simply felt right. But if I were to begin to ask God for anything at all, that changes the whole nature of the relationship. It will mean I need him, and I hate coming off as needy. OK, so that was a joke (mostly), but I feel a certain bond in my faith because I didn't need it, I chose it. I'm sure this can be seen as a lesson in humility, but with my dual nature of Pedagog and Caretaker, I feel like I must be the strong one, I must be the one to take care of the others, I am the one who should show them the way. Of course I've had some issues with that as of late, so maybe it's just God trying to give a nudge in another direction. Now some may say this seems to have more to do with you than your faith, but I argue, as I grow and change, does it not dictate that my faith should as well? I dunno, it may not seem like that big of a deal to others, but a complete paradigm shift like this leaves me a bit unsettled, especially since I'm not yet completely sold on the idea. But meh, let me know what y'all think.